Dodged a bullet, dodged a bullet, dodged a bullet. The guy was mentally instable and had a huge drinking problem. The only reason I stepped into this pile of shit was to not be alone this summer - which is exactly what I need to be.

Wow, I have not written in a while! Well, the guy - let's call him Russian Alcoholic - did call (unfortunately). And we had been dating for the last two months. Then, a few nights ago - poof! It's getting too serious, I'm not enjoying it, blah blah blah. I won't even qualify it with a post. I dodged a bullet. Moving on.

I am sick and tired of feeling so fat. I look in the mirror, I hate my fat face. I take a picture, I hate my fat face. I do anything, I hate my fat face. I want to disappear into nothingness. I don't even have an eating disorder anymore. I have nothing. All I have is disgust. I don't have that drive, that passion, that fear of food that consumed me for six wonderful months. I'm not purging. I'm still bingeing sometimes, but not purging. I've got to get that back in my life, and then I will have something to focus on.

My goal tomorrow: Gross caloric consumption of 900 calories. I think I can do it.
Oatmeal: 150
Luna Bar: 150
Frozen veggies w/sauce: 200
Apple: 100
Orange: 100

Total: 700, with 200 calories to spare. I can do this!

Note to self: next time I sleep with a guy, I will be SURE he is going to call the next day.
At least I had a fun night. I can look at it in that way: an amazing concert (for free), sexual tension and foreplay beyond belief, and finally some good sex. No surprises here. I wasn't really expecting anything else. It doesn't even feel that crappy that he didn't call. A little - but I was expecting that.

I officially have a massive crush on an itty bitty albino Russian who slept with my good friend. Oh, yes I do. Now that computer dufus is out of the picture, and by that I mean I never returned his one call and he never called again, I can fully focus all of my energy on this new pointless endeavor. I can make a very long list of why this guy is not right for me: short, Russian, undoubtedly antisemitic at least to some degree are just a few. Besides, I have just a LITTLE experience with Russian men, enough to know that, even more than Americans, they divide women into two categories: women they fuck, and women they marry. If you're in the second category, they are pretty straightforward. No games. Phone calls every day, emails, text messages. They can fall in love and fall hard very quickly. No American "let's see who can fuck with each other's minds the most" bullshit. And if they don't that, but prefer to flirt while drunk, you're pretty much guaranteed a place in the first category. Which is not somewhere I want to be.

To make matters even better, his antisemitic best friend with bad skin has a huge crush on me, and wastes no opportunity to grab my waste, attempt to kiss me, etc. (Do they even know that I am officially half and unofficially full-blooded Jewish?). And, of course, my good friend has a massive crush on albino Russian. What the hell is wrong with me??

I often think back to junior year of college, and I think the reason I was able to stay relatively detached was the focus on weight loss. At that time, I had fallen in love with my future husband, who was unfortunately dating my good friend. I relished the parties and separate occasions that we would hang out as a group and he would unabashedly flirt with me, but I don't remember the crush taking up mental energy. Same with Max. I pined for a few days until I realized he wasn't calling, and I tried calling once or twice, but that was that. And Daniel. Also, a few days of butterflies, and that was that. I think my mental capacity was so consumed with the weight loss, I just didn't have room for anything else. That's what I must go back to.

Today is officially my last day eating like a hryuk hryuk. I have until June 13th to make that little shit want to kill himself. Or at least smoke himself into oblivion. Besides, I am so tired of obsessing over guys who are not worth a second of my thought. And the only other viable replacement, since I can't seem to live without an obsession/distraction, is weight loss. Starting tomorrow: 800 calories per day. If I can manage it, no more than 500. A little bit of breakfast, a bar for dinner, gym in between. It sounds impossible right now, but I can do it. I know I can it. Even if not that extreme, I can at least do a bar before gym, and then some fruits or veggies in the evening. Lose weight or bust. The upside is I will be so hungry I won't have energy to focus on anything else.

The more I think about it, the angrier I become. I am just not interested in being treated like this, like I am just some unimportant sidebar to his friends and roomates, and I'm not meaningful enough to invite to a b-day dinner with friends.

I just stood up for myself! Yes! It feels empowering! Don't need to take this shit.

What kind of mother frakker tells you he is having a birthday dinner with friends and then DOES NOT INVITE YOU. And you sit there quietly, nodding and laughing, and agree to have dinner with him. This is now beyond the point of talking it out, this is kind of ridiculous. You really do have to come to a point where you realize - this is not what you deserve. This is not what I deserve. I deserve a guy who will invite me to his frakkin birthday dinner and introduce me to his friends and take me to parties and generally treat me like someone he would like to call his girlfriend. What, he isn't proud to show me off? He's afraid of turning this into something serious even though I told him that's what I wanted and by continuing to call me he's basically agreeing?? Need to calm down and go to sleep.

Why did I agree to see him tomorrow?