I officially have a massive crush on an itty bitty albino Russian who slept with my good friend. Oh, yes I do. Now that computer dufus is out of the picture, and by that I mean I never returned his one call and he never called again, I can fully focus all of my energy on this new pointless endeavor. I can make a very long list of why this guy is not right for me: short, Russian, undoubtedly antisemitic at least to some degree are just a few. Besides, I have just a LITTLE experience with Russian men, enough to know that, even more than Americans, they divide women into two categories: women they fuck, and women they marry. If you're in the second category, they are pretty straightforward. No games. Phone calls every day, emails, text messages. They can fall in love and fall hard very quickly. No American "let's see who can fuck with each other's minds the most" bullshit. And if they don't that, but prefer to flirt while drunk, you're pretty much guaranteed a place in the first category. Which is not somewhere I want to be.

To make matters even better, his antisemitic best friend with bad skin has a huge crush on me, and wastes no opportunity to grab my waste, attempt to kiss me, etc. (Do they even know that I am officially half and unofficially full-blooded Jewish?). And, of course, my good friend has a massive crush on albino Russian. What the hell is wrong with me??

I often think back to junior year of college, and I think the reason I was able to stay relatively detached was the focus on weight loss. At that time, I had fallen in love with my future husband, who was unfortunately dating my good friend. I relished the parties and separate occasions that we would hang out as a group and he would unabashedly flirt with me, but I don't remember the crush taking up mental energy. Same with Max. I pined for a few days until I realized he wasn't calling, and I tried calling once or twice, but that was that. And Daniel. Also, a few days of butterflies, and that was that. I think my mental capacity was so consumed with the weight loss, I just didn't have room for anything else. That's what I must go back to.