How and why does this boy manage to confuse me like this? Just had a very strange conversation about me leaving, and how it would be futile to form a serious relationship right now. But why do relationships have to be serious? I guess I don't really want a serious relationship with him - but I do want to spend more time with him, talk to him more, yada yada. But I think the only reason I want this is to have a warm body next to me, because I am so uncomfortable being on my own. When I look at it that way, it doesn't really matter what happens. If he starts calling me and seeing me more, great, because I am getting what I want. If he doesn't, even better, because I can start learning how to be me. On my own. How to sit with my feelings and listen to them and learn from my mistakes. Sometimes when I am facing the prospect of spending an evening alone with Lost, I get so panicked. And that panic makes me reach out to people when it's not fair to them. Instead, I really have to force myself to...just be. Panic and all. Me and panic, together forever. And if he follows through, great. If not, do I really need to be the one texting him tomorrow "What are you doing Friday night?" No. Because if he doesn't call me himself, to hell with him. I have to get up early on Saturday anyway!