I just received my divorce papers today. I don't know if I feel like celebrating or crying - a little of both. I feel a mess inside. At a time in my life when all of my friends are building their lives with someone, developing relationships, I am ending mine - and learning for the first time in years and years how to live on my own. One marriage, one relationship I thought would end up in marriage, and now it's just me. And it's hard watching my friends fall in love, have serious boy/girlfriends, while I am floundering in this mess. I am years ahead of my time, but so far behind.

As expected, CG did not call me today, did not make plans for tonight. It's fine. A disappointment, sure, but in the context of ending my marriage - eh. I'll deal. I just wish I could be strong enough to say "Disappointed one too many times - NEXT." And if he calls me next week, which he inevitably will, I wish I could be strong enough to say "I've had enough." I'm not interested in a casual relationship, and you cannot give me a serious relationship. All you give me is a headache and worry pains. Will he call, why won't he call, disappointment when he doesn't call - I'm very through with all of that. I'm very tired.