I feel very empty right now. I remember feeling like this about a week after I kicked my husband out the first time. Kiko had not called, I was hanging out with Christina and a few of the Portuguese, and I came home feeling very empty, thinking "Is this what I gave up my husband for? Is this it? This is what I exchanged a family life for?" A few moments of butterflies and electricity. Life is not built on those moments. Life is build on feeling secure and feeling loved. Of course, I realize the dream life I built around my husband was just that: a dream. In reality, he left for Russia without giving me more than a days notice, came back weeks after he was supposed to. He made fun of me in front of family and friends. At the very end, he screamed horrible things at me and threatened my physical integrity. But that's beside the point.

With CG, I am constantly going against my instinct. He actually followed through and called me yesterday, wanted to go out and introduce me to his friends. I told him I would call him today, when I got back from my "spa weekend." I didn't. I texted him, inviting him to hang out. He promptly informed me how busy he was. If I had just called him, I would have probably gotten the same result. But I would have let him know that I at least appreciated his calling yesterday. Ach. Instincts exist for a reason.