Note to self: next time I sleep with a guy, I will be SURE he is going to call the next day.
At least I had a fun night. I can look at it in that way: an amazing concert (for free), sexual tension and foreplay beyond belief, and finally some good sex. No surprises here. I wasn't really expecting anything else. It doesn't even feel that crappy that he didn't call. A little - but I was expecting that.

I officially have a massive crush on an itty bitty albino Russian who slept with my good friend. Oh, yes I do. Now that computer dufus is out of the picture, and by that I mean I never returned his one call and he never called again, I can fully focus all of my energy on this new pointless endeavor. I can make a very long list of why this guy is not right for me: short, Russian, undoubtedly antisemitic at least to some degree are just a few. Besides, I have just a LITTLE experience with Russian men, enough to know that, even more than Americans, they divide women into two categories: women they fuck, and women they marry. If you're in the second category, they are pretty straightforward. No games. Phone calls every day, emails, text messages. They can fall in love and fall hard very quickly. No American "let's see who can fuck with each other's minds the most" bullshit. And if they don't that, but prefer to flirt while drunk, you're pretty much guaranteed a place in the first category. Which is not somewhere I want to be.

To make matters even better, his antisemitic best friend with bad skin has a huge crush on me, and wastes no opportunity to grab my waste, attempt to kiss me, etc. (Do they even know that I am officially half and unofficially full-blooded Jewish?). And, of course, my good friend has a massive crush on albino Russian. What the hell is wrong with me??

I often think back to junior year of college, and I think the reason I was able to stay relatively detached was the focus on weight loss. At that time, I had fallen in love with my future husband, who was unfortunately dating my good friend. I relished the parties and separate occasions that we would hang out as a group and he would unabashedly flirt with me, but I don't remember the crush taking up mental energy. Same with Max. I pined for a few days until I realized he wasn't calling, and I tried calling once or twice, but that was that. And Daniel. Also, a few days of butterflies, and that was that. I think my mental capacity was so consumed with the weight loss, I just didn't have room for anything else. That's what I must go back to.

Today is officially my last day eating like a hryuk hryuk. I have until June 13th to make that little shit want to kill himself. Or at least smoke himself into oblivion. Besides, I am so tired of obsessing over guys who are not worth a second of my thought. And the only other viable replacement, since I can't seem to live without an obsession/distraction, is weight loss. Starting tomorrow: 800 calories per day. If I can manage it, no more than 500. A little bit of breakfast, a bar for dinner, gym in between. It sounds impossible right now, but I can do it. I know I can it. Even if not that extreme, I can at least do a bar before gym, and then some fruits or veggies in the evening. Lose weight or bust. The upside is I will be so hungry I won't have energy to focus on anything else.

The more I think about it, the angrier I become. I am just not interested in being treated like this, like I am just some unimportant sidebar to his friends and roomates, and I'm not meaningful enough to invite to a b-day dinner with friends.

I just stood up for myself! Yes! It feels empowering! Don't need to take this shit.

What kind of mother frakker tells you he is having a birthday dinner with friends and then DOES NOT INVITE YOU. And you sit there quietly, nodding and laughing, and agree to have dinner with him. This is now beyond the point of talking it out, this is kind of ridiculous. You really do have to come to a point where you realize - this is not what you deserve. This is not what I deserve. I deserve a guy who will invite me to his frakkin birthday dinner and introduce me to his friends and take me to parties and generally treat me like someone he would like to call his girlfriend. What, he isn't proud to show me off? He's afraid of turning this into something serious even though I told him that's what I wanted and by continuing to call me he's basically agreeing?? Need to calm down and go to sleep.

Why did I agree to see him tomorrow?

Just dyed my hair dark brown. One month after I highlighted it blonde. Sure sign that things with a guy are over. I change my hair, buy a sexy new top I can't afford, and look forward to making out with someone new. Well, in this case, someone old-new. Or new-old. New-old sounds better. Was invited to a literary shindig buy a quiet brooding type I used to make out with during sophomore year of college. I can't remember much about my feelings towards him, except I liked making out with him. I honestly can't remember if I talked about him, obsessed over him, or even had a crush on him. It's blank. I do remember talking to him about my boyfriend at home (I know, I'm horrible), and him telling me about a girl he had a crush on. Oh, the dysfunction! I also remember my roomate drunkenly accosting him at a party, demanding that he treat me better. Ha. At least one of us was concerned about that. I remember riding in the elevator with him and roomie a few days after. That must have been the template for the awkward elevator rides in Grey's Anatomy. I can't wait to see him. Not to see him, but to show him how much I have changed. Sometimes I think that chubby insecure college headcase is in the past, and I have this new body and new wardrobe and new confidence. The confidence of someone married and divorced at 26, with 4 serious relationships behind her. But situations like CG put me back in my place. I haven't really changed. The body is a front, the clothes are a mask, and inside is same insecure little me. But boy, I can't wait to strut in, miniskirt and sexy top and heels. The look on his face! He always thought I was good looking, even back then, but now...

Who am I kidding, and who am I trying to lie to. I am mighty pissed about CG. Sad and disappointed. In the grand scheme of things, he is really nothing compared to some of the heartbreak I have survived. But it still sucks.

Well, honestly. Fu, fu, and again fu. Again, frustrated. Again, disappointed. I think there is a part of me addicted to feeling this way. I thrive on it. Yes, I love relationships, yes, I love having a serious boyfriend and someone stable in my life. But this...energy? when you are starting something new and are not sure and are constantly on pins and needles. Infatuation may be the right word for it. I love it. It gives me something to obsess over, focus my energy on. It gives me a reason to wallow and forget about everything good in my life. My career, my friends, my family, the cool breeze flowing through the window - what is a little shit who can't satisfy me if his computer depended on it next to that? There are other areas of my life that fulfill me. I love my roomate. I am looking forward to a bright, bright next few months, and an exciting change. I love going to the gym. I love the music on my iPod. I love the books I read. I love that I have plans for Friday and Saturday. I love that I have plans for the weekend after that. I love that I am looking forward to work tomorrow (minus getting my ass up at 7 am). No, I really cannot complain.

I feel very empty right now. I remember feeling like this about a week after I kicked my husband out the first time. Kiko had not called, I was hanging out with Christina and a few of the Portuguese, and I came home feeling very empty, thinking "Is this what I gave up my husband for? Is this it? This is what I exchanged a family life for?" A few moments of butterflies and electricity. Life is not built on those moments. Life is build on feeling secure and feeling loved. Of course, I realize the dream life I built around my husband was just that: a dream. In reality, he left for Russia without giving me more than a days notice, came back weeks after he was supposed to. He made fun of me in front of family and friends. At the very end, he screamed horrible things at me and threatened my physical integrity. But that's beside the point.

With CG, I am constantly going against my instinct. He actually followed through and called me yesterday, wanted to go out and introduce me to his friends. I told him I would call him today, when I got back from my "spa weekend." I didn't. I texted him, inviting him to hang out. He promptly informed me how busy he was. If I had just called him, I would have probably gotten the same result. But I would have let him know that I at least appreciated his calling yesterday. Ach. Instincts exist for a reason.

I just received my divorce papers today. I don't know if I feel like celebrating or crying - a little of both. I feel a mess inside. At a time in my life when all of my friends are building their lives with someone, developing relationships, I am ending mine - and learning for the first time in years and years how to live on my own. One marriage, one relationship I thought would end up in marriage, and now it's just me. And it's hard watching my friends fall in love, have serious boy/girlfriends, while I am floundering in this mess. I am years ahead of my time, but so far behind.

As expected, CG did not call me today, did not make plans for tonight. It's fine. A disappointment, sure, but in the context of ending my marriage - eh. I'll deal. I just wish I could be strong enough to say "Disappointed one too many times - NEXT." And if he calls me next week, which he inevitably will, I wish I could be strong enough to say "I've had enough." I'm not interested in a casual relationship, and you cannot give me a serious relationship. All you give me is a headache and worry pains. Will he call, why won't he call, disappointment when he doesn't call - I'm very through with all of that. I'm very tired.

How and why does this boy manage to confuse me like this? Just had a very strange conversation about me leaving, and how it would be futile to form a serious relationship right now. But why do relationships have to be serious? I guess I don't really want a serious relationship with him - but I do want to spend more time with him, talk to him more, yada yada. But I think the only reason I want this is to have a warm body next to me, because I am so uncomfortable being on my own. When I look at it that way, it doesn't really matter what happens. If he starts calling me and seeing me more, great, because I am getting what I want. If he doesn't, even better, because I can start learning how to be me. On my own. How to sit with my feelings and listen to them and learn from my mistakes. Sometimes when I am facing the prospect of spending an evening alone with Lost, I get so panicked. And that panic makes me reach out to people when it's not fair to them. Instead, I really have to force myself to...just be. Panic and all. Me and panic, together forever. And if he follows through, great. If not, do I really need to be the one texting him tomorrow "What are you doing Friday night?" No. Because if he doesn't call me himself, to hell with him. I have to get up early on Saturday anyway!