Me: "We need to talk."
CG: "Ok"
Me: "I really like spending time with you. I really enjoy being around you. But when I don't hear from you for a week, and I see you once a week, it makes me feel like a booty call. And I don't like that. I want to feel more like a girl you are dating."
CG nodding: "Yeah, I can see where you are coming from." I've just been so busy with work lately blah blah blah my brothers blah blah blah."
Me: "No, I completely understand that. I'm not mad about that. It's just in general. If this is more than a booty call, act like it. Treat me better."
CG looking surprised: "Ok."
Me: "Is it that I am leaving? Is that the issue?"
CG: "No. I mean, it has crossed my mind, but no."
Me: "Ok..."
CG: "I can't come to any conclusions tonight because that's not the kind of guy I am. But I'll think about what you said."

Am I so insecure that I stay in these unsatisfying relationships simply because I need a warm body next to me? No matter that they make me feel like shit, make me feel used, make me feel like a booty call. I honestly don't even know what I want. Three Jo Jos and half a bottle of wine later, I still don't know what I want. I don't want a serious relationship - I want him to want a serious relationship with me. I want him to want me. I want you to want me.

My daddy left me with some serious issues. I go after guys that aren't that interested in a serious relationship simply to prove to myself that I can make them interested. I can make him love me for who I am: his daughter. Not because I am a skinny ballerina, or a beautiful Russian doll, just because I am. I am 18 years old again, and this is the situation with Zach. Desperately trying to make him love me make him want to stay with me. Except I don't feel half of the electricity with CG that I felt with Zach. Doesn't come close. So what makes me stay? Why can't I say You know what, I have had enough of you, I am a beautiful intelligent girl, and there are a hundred of you. I don't need to put up with this frakkin bullshit! Why can't I do that, huh? What frakkin void is he feeling?

The only solution I see to this is to give up dating. Not just serious dating, but all dating - including weekly booty calls for a 2 months. Force myself to be with myself. No warm bodies once a week, no cuddling for a few hours on Wednesdays. Just me. With me. That's the only way I see how to fix this...this brokeness I have inside of myself, that tells me I need to put up with is, I need to do whatever it takes. WHY? I am tired.