Release

What a familiar release. I have missed you. Called for you, thought of you, dreamed of you, spoke to you. You make me feel better like nobody else does. When you are there, I do not think about computer geeks, or perfectly good dates I ruined with "Are you sleeping with anybody?" "Are you seeing anybody" blah blah blah. Make me sick. Sometimes, I think that you are all I need. You give me satisfaction, purpose, punishment - all in one like nobody else can. Without the accompanying shame and I Am A Whore self-inflicted speeches. I just wish you wouldn't leave me. Sometimes you do, and it feels so lonely. I have nothing-nobody-to hold on to. Just my fat ass and love handles.

I wish it wasn't so. I wish I didn't hate my body. I wish I didn't look into the mirror and see a fat face, taking up the entire room, or hips so wide they shouldn't be legal. I wish I could see a normal, 5'9 size 6. But what do I see? I see nothing. I want to be a size zero. I don't want to see at all.