What a mess I am right now. It is 12:30 am, and I am not...awake exactly. But my stomach is a knot, my breathing is shallow, and my mind is a collage of the past that almost was a future. My failed marriage, my failed relationship, my latest failed attempt at dating. When night falls, and my body and mind are supposed to tumble gently into sleep, I feel my most afraid. Alone. Afraid of being alone. The darkness and the quiet...and I panic. And my body and mind refuse to tumble, except into sadness and fear. I am almost certain I will be served my divorce papers this week. 25 years old. Most of my friends are pairing up, building their lives together; I am tearing one down. And this devastates me. It is not CG I am freaking out about, not those "interesting" Jdate boys. It is my inability to connect with anyone emotionally available. I did once. And because it happens so rarely, I ignored the obvious red signs: the drinking, the belittling, eventually the screaming and outright verbal abuse. Right now, I am so scared it will never happen again. The years will fly by, and I will wake up- old, tired, and alone.